Trudging Through the Mire

For  a while now, I have felt like I am swimming through muck - using all my strength to move just one limb at a time, trying to find solid ground. And instead, only finding more muck. It pulls at me, it clings to me, it threatens to constantly overwhelm me with it's murky depths.  There's also fog, a fog so thick that I can't see a foot ahead of me. Am I heading in the right direction? Am I close to solid ground? Or I am trudging the wrong way, only to be eventually consumed by the mire? 

It is frustrating, to say the least. But such is faith. If we could see where we were going at all times, and if we always had reliable ground beneath our feet there would be no need for faith, and no need for God. Faith is what inspires us to carry on through the muck even when we can't see what is ahead of us. Faith is what lights the fire in our hearts that keeps us warm in the darkest of times. And faith is trusting that God is there, and will help us even when we are in the most desperate of times. 

I feel like so often in my life I am flailing around like a child in muddy waters, while Heavenly Father calmly stands there with His hand out-stretched, waiting for us to take hold of it. And yet, I still thrash around. Until finally, I am drowning, and it is only then that I desperately reach up and grab hold. 

Is it any wonder then, that I keep finding pits of mud? I suppose that I will continue to flail until I can learn to trust God FIRST, and not as a last resort. 

A wonderful friend once said "We cannot see what the future holds, so why not trust our future to the one who does? God knows what is ahead. Trust Him to lead you right."

I love this. It is such a powerful statement of truth! Why is it that we so often rely on our own strength and intelligence to make decisions, or to find peace, when we can't see what's ahead? Shouldn't we be willing - indeed, EAGER - to put our trust in someone who we KNOW is perfect, omnipotent, and knows us better than we know ourselves?

A couple of weeks ago I became desperate - I was drowning and I couldn't see any hope. It was finally at this point that I realized that I needed my Heavenly Father's help, badly, and that He was the only one who could truly save me. I prayed and prayed and prayed for peace, for help, for faith, and for a hand to hold.

I was being buried under the weight of my own life - struggling through mud I had mostly created myself, and then climbing out, only to fall into a bog that wasn't of my own doing. I felt like I couldn't win, and much too slowly, I remembered that God was there for me.

I received peace - peace as overwhelming as had been the muck- and have felt God's loving hand guiding my life.. I'm still clumsily making my way through mud, and the fog hasn't faded away, but I feel the constant presence of my Heavenly Father and my Savior as I go. 

Not only that, but God has placed other people in my life as well to help me through my trials: great friends who understand me and my struggles and love me and help me, family that supports and loves me no matter what. 

This is faith. This whole process - it's falling into pits of sludge, losing your way, remembering - just in time - your Heavenly Father who loves you, and taking His hand. Faith is not just the "taking God's hand" part. Nor is it just the pit of sludge. Faith is not just knowing God is there, but is also LEARNING that He is there for you - sometimes by a process of trial and error. 

I have tried to fight my way through trials too many times without God. And I still frequently don't turn to Him as quickly as I should, but I am learning, line upon line, that He is ALWAYS there, and He ALWAYS loves me. I want to trust Him absolutely! He is the one that knows what's ahead and behind. He is the one that has known me an ETERNITY longer than anyone else. He is the one that perfectly understands and perfectly rescues. So, instead of relying upon my fallible, inexperienced, and dreadfully ignorant self, I am going to put my life in Heavenly Father's hands. 

Today I want to share something fairly short, but hopefully sweet.

For those of you who have ever dealt with a chronic illness, you know that it is a daily struggle. Every day it seems there is a new challenge to work through - a new ordeal that crops up that you have to learn how to manage in your own way in your own time. On top of this you have the normal daily grind to wrestle with. Its a struggle to wake up, to exercise, to smile when you are in pain.... It is difficult often times to keep yourself going enough to accomplish everything you want to accomplish that day. Anyone with chronic illness knows that its no party. All of us face challenges every day in life, but those who struggle with illness often feel like they are struggling with things that are MUCH too simple and it can be very frustrating. 

There is one thing that has probably helped keep me going more than anything else, and that is the little things. 

On the days that I pay attention to the little blessings in my life, the subtle beauties, the tender mercies, life is just better. If I wake up at night or can't sleep (a frequent enough occurrence to frustrate me even if I was naturally a patient person), I try to pay attention to the small things that make my life beautiful. Sometimes its as simple as stepping outside to view how amazing the natural world is. Sometimes its reflecting on how grateful I am for a hot shower, or its thinking back to the many times I have seen God's hand in my life. 

Its taken me a while to decide if I should post this. I want to share only the things that are most pertinent and important. But the more I have thought on how much this has helped me through the most difficult of days, I decided that maybe it was time to share. 

I truly believe that all of us are blessed in many ways that we don't notice. Its noticing the sunrise, or happening across a mini miracle that reminds that I am still living in a beautiful world. Its the little things that remind me that no matter how hard life is, I wouldn't want to miss it for anything. Even on the days that I am sick and stuck in bed, I am amazed by the beauty of the English language, or at how nice it is to have a comfortable bed. And just noticing those things makes it much easier for me to deal with the current trial I am  then dealing with. 

God loves us. He has given us SO much to make our lives glorious and colorful. And even with all the trials I have been through, and the many I know I will have to experience later, I wouldn't miss this life for the world. :)

God makes the impossible possible. I know this for an absolute surety! Let me share with you my recent thoughts on this because this truth is something I wish I could share with the world.

Three months ago I was in a much different situation then I am now. Approximately three months ago I finally figured out what was causing the awful pain in my back. I was told I had a herniated disc that was crushing nerves -- causing severe pain almost constantly. I started going to a physical therapist.

This physical therapist said that more than anything exercise was going to help me. I needed to strengthen my muscles and needed to get fit in order to alleviate the pain. He said this was really the best thing I could do and that nothing else would help take the pain away permanently (for I don't want to be on pain pills for the rest of my life).

I cannot tell you how depressing this was for me. I went home and cried... because chronic fatigue syndrome makes it nearly impossible to exercise. Any exertion would make me dizzy and sick -- and normally nauseated. If I did push-ups my arms would shake so bad i would collapse, and  I would have cold sweats as the dizziness swept over me. I actually love exercising -- especially dancing and walking, and I was very active before I developed chronic fatigue syndrome. But at this point in my life I was so incredibly frustrated that this was the only way to relieve the incredible pain i was constantly in -- again not because I didn't want to be active but because it was so difficult and painful for me.

I can tell you I prayed a lot. I received a blessing of healing from the bishop (or pastor) of my church. And this is how the miracle happened.

I started with walking for just 20 minutes two times a week. I was walking faster than I normally would to get my heart rate up. And it was awful. Sometimes I had to stop and almost threw up. Or would come home and cry because I was so dizzy and tired. But for two weeks I did that. The moved to 30 minutes... then to 30 minutes three times a week.

Now I work out for an hour a day six days a week. I push myself harder than ever, and I do more than just walk. I've gotten back to a fairly active lifestyle though I still can't do as much as I could before. But wow!

All of this is from God! It is Him who has given me the strength every day to keep going. It is Him who has helped me improve faster than I ever dreamed I could. It is by God's grace that He has blessed me and strengthened me to help me do what I must do.

This is my witness that anything with God by our sides is possible! Ask Him for help and He will be there! If you have no strength, or no hope... or your courage is failing -- ask Him to be there. If your faith is slowly dying, or you don't think you can go on... or if you are just to tired to lift your head --- pray for help. I swear to you He hears your prayers and wants to bless you! He will produce miracles in your life when all seems lost!

And most of all, when it seems that you are facing the impossible, remember that "with God, all things are possible." You are not alone. And miracles are just around the corner!

In Sunday School today I heard something very interesting that really started to make me think. I decided to write a quote about it - 

"In our life we will most likely have more failures and trials than we have success. But it is not only the success, but the trials, that make it worth it."

 --Hannah Benge

Have you wrapped your mind around this at all yet? 

Its something that I have often pondered - what in life makes it worth living for each of us. I know it is worth it, and I always have, but I am always wondering what it is in life that does make it worth it for ME personally. Normally its the same answer - love. Love from my Heavenly Father, from my family, from my friends... Love FOR my family, for my Heavenly Father, for my friends.... This is what keeps me going. 

What does this have to do with success and failure? This idea about what makes life worth living hit me quickly and powerfully. Why? Because its true! Every hard experience I have had in life, every trial, every sorrow... I regret none of them so far. Why?  Because they are the stories that shape my life! And, as I said... even the most painful of experiences is filled with love. Every time I pray I feel love from my Heavenly Father. I have also been very blessed with a wonderful family, and they have loved me and supported me through rain and shine. But best of all, whether you believe you suffer alone or not, every experience is a single thread in the beautiful tapestry of life that we weave. And not a single strand can be taken out without the beauty of the weave being compromised.

I am now to determined to remember this. Someday, I will look back at this time in my life and feel JOY because of what I learned, what I did, and who I became. Even now I can feel joy as I slowly write my story line by line. I don't have to wait until I have some big success in order feel that my life is worth it. Life includes both good and bad, and like the quote says, (especially if you are judging your life by the world's standards), you are probably going to be a failure for your whole life. Maybe a few little success's here and there, but nothing so momentous that you are on the high of success for the rest of your days. And so, we have to learn that EVERY moment, both good or bad is worth it- is special, is unique, is VITAL for who we become.

I still wish that instead of the gray and black threads that I am sometimes given, I could always have a bright gold, or  a purple, or a red... But instead, God knows what is best. So its just a little green or blue thread here and there, with a lot of white, gray, black and brown. What we don't realize right now, is that when our tapestry (or life) is over, we will have created a beautiful mountain scene- with a dark lake, a towering summit, with those few golden threads creating the sun that pierces through the dark clouds - a picture of such overwhelming beauty we will wonder why we hated the dull threads that make up this masterpiece! 

One of my greatest goals in life is to be happy. Its probably one of the goals that most of us human beings share - we are constantly seeking for more joy in our lives, and often we look in the wrong places.

I have always been a naturally happy and optimistic person. Of course, a lot of my joy has come from believing in my Savior Jesus Christ and His gospel, knowing that God is my father and that He loves me, and from being raised by wonderful, loving parents. I had a beautiful childhood. We were very poor for a while as I was growing up - and I don't remember any fancy toys or electronics at all. I remember an old suitcase full of 'dress-up' clothes, some old dishes my parents got at a thrift shop, and a few stuffed animals. But more than that, my childhood was full of books (stories that my mother read to me, and others that I read myself), drawing and painting, music, and lots of learning. My parents raised me strictly but with love, which I know contributed greatly to my happiness when I was younger, and even now blesses me still.

But a lot of happiness is a choice. I have learned this more and more as I get older. I have had many trials that were of course unexpected and unprepared for - and my life is much different than I could ever dream it would be. More and more, though my life is still wonderful, I find myself facing the choice to be happy, or to not be.

Recently, I discovered a huge way that I am CHOOSING not to be as happy as I could be. And its a bit pathetic to admit, but important that I do finally admit it, so here I go. I am embarrassed of who I am. 

I really didn't figure this out until recently. For a while now I have been hesitant to go to wedding receptions, or homecomings, or parties where my old high school friends will be in attendance. And the events that I do attend, I always become anxious beforehand. For months I have declined different invites to different places because, for some reason, I just didn't want to go. And I finally figured it out. I am ashamed of who I am. 

This is so very sad, but true. Even though I am slowly coming to terms with my new life, my new body, and my new goals, I have been unable to come to terms with others SEEING me in my new life, my new body, and with new goals. A lot of it comes from the expectations that I perceive they have for me. So many of my friends thought that I was BOUND to succeed, to become famous, and thought I was beautiful, smart, and that the sky was the limit for me. And I believed it completely - again brimming with confidence partly due to my natural disposition, and partly due to the care and teaching of my parents. 

Now I am faced with those expectations  - shimmering hazily before me - and I feel that at every turn I am disappointing those friends and acquaintances. I know in my heart that these expectations are hardly real, and most of my old friends won't think twice about how I look now and where I am at in life. To them, I am still simply "Hannah Benge", their friend and loved one. But in my own mind, I see pity on their faces, disgust in their eyes, and disappointment in their words.

How sad that I have not realized this for so long! I feel that I don't measure up to the standards that I CREATED in my own mind and imagine coming from them! Four years ago when they knew me I was fun, happy, confident, successful, smart, beautiful, trim, and talented. Now, (again only in my OWN mind), I think they see me as pitiful, failing, poor, lazy, ugly, fat, and sad. 

And this is what I must fix! I have to correct my thinking. Again, I have to come to terms with who I am. I have to realize that my life IS changed, but not necessarily for the worst - just different. I have to realize that I MYSELF am different. I have to remember that overcoming the trials I have been given is a SUCCESS, just a different one than I had planned! 

I am a little plumper, perhaps a littler sadder and wiser, more aware, more grateful! I am much tireder, and I don't work anywhere that I ever thought I'd work. I am not dating, I live with my grandparents, and I write a blog for fun. :) But none of this is anything to be ashamed about! 

I have chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic migraines, now chronic back pain from a herniated disc. And yet, I served a full mission! I taught hundreds of people the gospel of Jesus Christ in Tennessee! I loved hundreds of people with all my heart and did my best to show them that God loves them, and all of this while I was sick! 

I have gained weight, but despite feeling sick and tired all the time, I exercise EVERY DAY and try to eat healthy! I have a wonderful part time job helping others with family history, and another part time job as a nanny -showing two beautiful children as much love as I can. I have met lots of people and loved every single one of them. I have made new friends, and made new memories. I have tried to bless my immediate family as much as I can, and try to serve them often. 

I am still a strong Christian, and know that my faith in God is stronger than ever. I am beautiful inside and out and no matter what my failings, I ALWAYS try my very hardest at everything I do. 

Are these not things to be proud of? 

I need to let go of being ashamed. I need to forget the crazy expectations that I hold myself to, and remember that who I am is just as great as who I was. I need to remember that a couple of pounds gained doesn't diminish my beauty. I need to remember that love is out there for me somewhere and that I am WORTHY of a good and righteous man. 

And most of all, I need to remember that God sees me the way I truly am - as His precious daughter, as a friend to those around me, as someone who tries hard at everything she does in life - even despite pain, sorrow and exhaustion, as a dedicated nanny, as a devoted Christian, as a loving daughter, as a beautiful woman with a smile of sunshine, as a happy and confident woman who just forgot for a while how happy she could be. 

I ask all of you, ask God how He sees you. Don't believe the lies that Satan throws at you - that others judge you, or that you aren't living up to the expectations you should be, that you are too fat, or too thin, or too dumb or too smart. I beseech you to look inside and find the light that is somewhere deep within and let it shine. Be proud of who you are, and who you can become! And don't forget how many lives you touch, and how many people love you. 

Let your light shine!!!

This week, I sinned. I mean, no surprise there. We all sin a ton every week, even when we are doing our best. But there was a sin that I definitely could have avoided - something very simple that I just needed to remember: Gratitude.

Life sucks sometimes! As you know from probably every post so far, I am struggling pretty bad right now. I am broke, jobless (hopefully just until next week), in pain, always exhausted, and living with my grandparents (which is super fun, but still, I am 21)..... etc, etc... you know all this. And it is easy to get down on myself - wonder why I am not dating, why I have to personally suffer with this, why everything can't just WORK OUT for once. Does this sound familiar at all? It doesn't really matter what life you live, everyone thinks these thoughts at least once in their life.

Well, this week was one of those weeks. Really, it was a great week. Nothing particularly sad about it, or worse than normal. But I kept thinking, why me? What am I supposed to do with my life now?

Then, yesterday, I woke up, feeling alright. The sun was streaming through my window. I was as tired as normal, my back still hurt, and I didn't find a sudden windfall of gold as I got out of bed. But the spirit kept telling me that God was there. I ignored it for a long time, but later that day I saw a small miracle. It would seem a very small thing to others, but to me it made all the difference. It allowed me to have enough money to buy the medication I needed. Wow!

As I got back into the car after buying my medication I felt tears coming. The spirit was right. God was there. He is still watching me, He is aware that I am poor, desperate and hurting. He knows how badly I needed that medication. He knows how ungrateful I have been lately, and he gave me this miracle simply to remind me that He was there and in control.

His hand is in my life! It is in all of ours! So this is my point.... remember to be grateful. I spent much of the day repenting for being so ungrateful to my Father in Heaven, after all He has done for me! The spirit all through yesterday continued to remind me of the small instances in my life RIGHT NOW that God has had His Omnipotent hand in. The ways that He has blessed me -both small and large - should never be forgotten! And how silly I was to forget!

Just a reminder, from someone who was just reminded: God is there. He loves you SO SO MUCH! He is VERY aware of every detail in your life. Heavenly Father cares about even the little things. He doesn't always give us exactly what we want, or what we think we need, but in His infinite wisdom He gives us that which will bless us the most.

So if you are reading this, do me a favor. Stop whatever you are doing, and bow your head for a short moment and give thanks to Our Almighty God for all the He does for you. Be grateful for even the smallest instances in which He moves His hands to bless and help you. And most of all, be grateful for the things that you can't yet see that He has done for you! For I know that there are plenty!

I love my Heavenly Father and I am so so grateful for all the blessings, seen and unseen, that He gives me!

I just spent a couple of wonderful days with my family. I danced with my siblings, I had long, deep discussions with my mother and father, basked in the glow of the love I was shown, and filled my mind with new memories.

As I was there I learned a lesson that I have learned many times over: I am awesome.

Does it sound too pompous yet?

I have been struggling with my health for a long time. Even with my naturally optimistic and cheerful personality, and the hope that the gospel brings, I still feel sometimes that I am drowning in grief over what might have been. It's not that I don't think that things will get better - I do. But sometimes, trials last for so long that you forget that you will eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is where I am right now. With my new-found back problems, and the continuous struggles with chronic fatigue, it feels like I have been fighting a losing battle for a long time.

It sounds so pessimistic and depressing to put it in writing! But it's the truth. And what's even more true is that ALL of us feel this at one point or another. We feel that we are in a leaking boat in the middle of a vast body of water -  and that there is no land in sight.

What's worse is that often times we turn these trials into more than just life; we internalize these struggles and somehow manage to blame ourselves for the trials we are having. We slowly start to believe that we are failing, that we are weak... that we are the ones that single-handedly managed to put holes in the boat and push it far out to sea.

 Sometimes it is partially our fault - sometimes it is ALL our fault, and sometimes it is just plain, ole', rotten life throwing us for a loop again. Whatever the factors, we MUST not allow ourselves to believe Satan's lies ( I am not trying to get up on a soapbox here - I am writing this as much to myself as to anyone else).

WE ARE AWESOME! We are put into such crazy situations in life, and there is NO WAY that any mortal man or woman is going to come out on top! It is literally IMPOSSIBLE for us to win every battle. It is the trials in life that make us vulnerable, and it is vulnerability that allows us to be shaped and molded and shaped again into the people God wants us to be.

Now, in all honesty, remembering this isn't really going to make the trial any better. For example, all weekend I was constantly being reminded of how important I am, how loved I am, and how special I am -  and yet, my back still ached, my head still pounded at the end of each day, and the chronic fatigue was as present as ever.

 But something has changed. I was reminded again of how precious I am even in this weak and wounded body. As my three year-old sister held my hand, I remembered how I too used to be innocent and untainted - pure. As my five year-old brother hugged me, punched me, hung on me and tackled me, I remembered how I too have a strong and distinct personality that showed through my eyes even as I was born. As I talked to my mother I was reminded of how much I am loved. As I talked to my father, he reminded me of how proud he is of me.

And so here tonight, unable to sleep, weary, worn, and down-right exhausted, I am writing this to remind you how special YOU are. It doesn't matter what trials you are given. It doesn't matter your physical, emotional or spiritual well-being. It doesn't matter if you are in one of life's highs, or hitting rock bottom.... you are special. You are God's child. You are loved. You are precious. You are one-of-a-kind, and NO ONE and NOTHING can take that away.

I will still sometimes mourn the person I was before chronic fatigue and other trials, until I can learn to be content with how I am. But I also look forward to the person I will become because of the things that I have gone through. I GLORY in who I am, because I am a daughter of God. And even if I never get better, I will have infinite worth. I still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel... but I know that even as I walk in darkness, I shine with an inner light that will never go away.

The primary reason for me starting a blog was to help others that were going through difficulties similar to mine. Right now, I struggle with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and a herniated disc. These are health problems that have severely changed the way I wanted my life to play out - indeed these health problems have limited in ways I didn't even think about before. But now I know.

Once my mother and I were talking and we discussed how my life was turning out so different from what I had planned. I complained about how limited I was.. how I couldn't do all I wanted to do... how I couldn't live the life of a 21 year old girl. She kindly mentioned that maybe my life was being limited in certain ways so that doors would open for me in other ways.

This is an interesting thought, but one I have clung on to for dear life. I have always LOVED life and wanted to enjoy it to its fullest. I wanted to be successful, beautiful, spiritual, help those in need, have a family, have a career, go to school, etc etc etc. I had SO many plans, and so many goals. Now I am not saying that because of my chronic illness these things won't happen. That's how it felt for a long time, but because of my mother's simple words to me I see things in a different light. The ways that I THOUGHT I would  be successful might not happen. I might help others, but it will no longer be by me flying to third world countries and building houses for them. I will still have a family, but perhaps I won't be the "supermom" I always imagined I would be. I can still have a career, I can still go to school... it is just going to be much different from the dreams that I had as a little girl.

To help others, I will simply be there for them in their need. I will listen, give advice if they ask, open my arms, my home, my heart to those who need. I will love every person I meet, and try to make sure they feel that. I will still serve, but it will be quietly and simply.

As a mother, I may not be able to do everything at once. There will be many days that I am so exhausted that I will feel like crying all day and collapse on the bed when its over - only to be woken up by a crying child a little later. But, I will still be a mother. And I will love my children with all my soul. I will teach them, I will serve them. I may not make 3 delicious meals a day (like my amazing mother), but they will know that I love them, they will know that God loves them, and they will know that they can love others.

I may not have a successful career like I thought, but I can still be productive - do things that will help others around me, and perhaps my career will be something different than I ever thought.

I will still do the things that matter. I will still pray, read the scriptures, go to the temple, accept callings, and do my best every day. Even with frequent naps, illnesses, or headaches, I will simply have to find the time to do what matters most to me - and what matters most to God.

This is a different life than I had planned. But it can still be beautiful.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is very different as an insider than an outsider.

When I first started suspecting that I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome I started learning all I could about it. Scientists and doctors always suggest the same things to help - exercise, lots of sleep, getting to bed early and rising early, eating healthy....
I cannot tell you how depressing it was to read that. My mother was studying up on it as well, and her advice to me was the same. However, all her well-meant comments did was incense me. I was angry and frustrated. Why? Because those are absolutely the HARDEST things in the entire world for someone with Chronic Fatigue to do.
Chronic fatigue causes more than just fatigue.... it causes killer migraines, weak muscles, dizziness. It makes it much harder to sleep, and it makes it feel like you are going to die if you can't. It is can cause a sick stomach, faintness, a rapid heart beat, drops in blood pressure... It is miserable.
I would try to exercise - do push-ups or something... my arms would completely give out. I would get dizzy when I walked or did anything too strenuous - sometimes I would get dizzy just by putting on make-up or showering.
At night I couldn't sleep for hours. I would  be exhausted all day, just waiting to fall into bed. Then I would toss and turn for hours - normally waking up with a horrible headache.
I am by no means better, but I have learned practices that have helped me take control of my life and my health. I am not perfect at doing these things, but I have identified what things help, and my health is important enough to me that I do my best.
For sleep:

• Listen to calming music, or an audio book while trying to fall asleep. This will help focus your mind, and get it away from the chaos of your thoughts. Figure out what works best for you.
• Make sure the room is cool. Heat makes it harder to sleep.
• Avoid screens AT LEAST 30 minutes before bed. Preferably an hour.
• Avoid sugar and caffeine about 6 hours before you go to bed.
• MAKE yourself go to bed, even if it is hard for you to sleep. Try to always make yourself go to bed around the same time.
• Always set an alarm to wake up. Get used to waking up around the same time, even if you are sick and have to go back to bed afterwards.
• Try stretching or going for a short walk before bed. This will wear you out and make your body long for the mattress.
• Taking Melatonin or Benadryl before bed can help a lot. Make sure if you take Benadryl you get at least get 8 hours of sleep to make sure it has time to leave your system.

Well... there are probably a few more. Let me know if you have questions!
Tune in next time for tips on exercise. :)

Last General Conference ( a worldwide broadcast conference put on by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints - talks are given by our apostles and our prophet and president of the church, as well as other general authorities), there was an excellent talk given Devin G. Durrant, called "My Heart Pondereth Them Continually". He spoke on choosing scriptures that stood out to you, and then pondering them "continually" throughout the week. He termed this "ponderizing" - a word that refers to mix of memorization and, of course, deep pondering.

 I have always felt strongly about the scriptures, and have always believed in the importance of memorizing them, so that they can always be on the mind, and hopefully, on the tip of the tongue. My mother and father were also very good about helping us memorize scriptures when I was young. Sometimes, during the summer, or during the Christmas season, we would even choose a scripture a day to memorize. Since I left home, I have tried to keep up the trend, and at least memorize the occasional scripture, and of course, when I was on my mission it was common practice.

When I heard Devin Durrant give this talk, I was immediately struck with how inspired this was - Such a wonderful idea! It was brilliant how he spoke of how the entire focus should not be JUST on the memorization, but rather, focusing on the REASON why we even memorize these scriptures in the first place - which is to gain the spiritual understanding and knowledge that these scriptures give us, and then store them securely in our mind to bless us continually. PONDERIZING IS AWESOME.

So... After that long and perhaps unnecessary tangent... the ACTUAL reason for this post.

This last week I chose a scripture from the Book of Mormon. Alma 39:9.

"Now my son, I would that ye should repent and forsake your sins, and go no more after the lusts of your eyes but cross yourself in all these things: for except ye do this ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God. Oh, remember, and take it upon you, and cross yourself in these things."

The reason that I chose this scripture is because I really have been studying self-control... Self-mastery. I know that it is extremely important for us to learn how to control our thoughts, words, and actions in this life. Indeed, this scripture mentions that unless we do this, we cannot inherit the kingdom of God. Therefore, it is pretty dang important!

I love how it particularly mentions to "cross yourself". When I pondered the meaning of this I imagined it meant double-crossing yourself. So... Going at it from more than one side; not only creating precautions to keep you in check on one side, but protecting yourself from the other as well. This ensures that you are constantly on the watch - looking out for yourself, so that you don't slip up and lose control.

It reminds me of another FANTASTIC scripture (I will be ponderizing this one as well at some point). Alma 38:12 - in this it mentions "bridling your passions". Again, it wouldn't be very helpful if you just used a rope around the horse's neck, or only used a saddle, or only used a bit and no reigns... Therefore... you use them all. You cover all your bases.... you cross yourself, and therefore, you have control.

My all time FAVORITE scripture that goes along with this subject however is Proverbs 25:28.

"He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls."

Wow. Powerful imagery. If you don't have self-control, you are like a city... a city without protection... a city run down and dilapidated. I don't want to be that city, that's for sure.

Another brilliant author and poet who is famous for her works dealing with the philosophy of the mind wrote:
"As a rule, we must not be the slaves of passion; rather, we must be the possessors of great passions. Through passion commences power, but passion should not direct our paths; rather passions should be as bridled horses, with us commanding whence and to they be directed. Our passions must not take their own courses; but they must be directed  by us into which course they ought to take. Modern day people blindly follow the notion that to be slaves to their passions is to be free! But for one to be the master of ones passions is not only to be free - but powerful."

I think this is beautifully put. I don't know why society has decided that self-mastery is restricting. For some reason, they tell us that we have the "right" to lose control and do whatever we want. Well, its true, we DO have the right. But is it truly going to make us happy to completely lose ourselves? Is it truly good for us to let our wills and passions drive us, without any regard for our own welfare or the welfare of others? Learning to control our passions, learning to use restraint with our words, learning to curb our appetites, to master over time what our limits should be -  this is largely why we are here on earth in these wonderful bodies! We do have these bodies that God has given us, but they do naturally, lack control, and if we gave reign to all of our passions we would all end up being slaves to food, sex, drugs, and anything else that we have an appetite for. Control, mastery, is VITAL for our happiness and our success in this life.

I will leave you with one last piquant and thought provoking quote that I think sums it up nicely.

"You will never have a greater or lesser dominion than over yourself... the height of a man's success is gauged by his self-mastery; the depth of his failure by his self-abandonment."
               - Leonardo Da Vinci

Recently I was thinking quite a lot about my service as a missionary. I served in Knoxville Tennessee. It was the absolute best experience of my life. Right now I have 2 younger brothers on missions. Reading their letters from Washington, and from Italy, remind me the crazy ups and downs of a mission...

I wrote a letter to one of my brothers that I wanted to share on here... because these are feelings close to my heart. And truths that I feel very passionately about. These things apply to all of us, no matter what are circumstances in life. And I truly believe that ALL of us on our own missions in life - we all have a purpose. God will help us slowly discover our purpose in life, and will remind us of destination as we ask him for guidance.

(About companions that don't like you)

Well... This was something that was close to my heart. I felt that way quite often. Not with all my companions... not even with most of them. But... its hard. It sucks. And you and me are the same... we both care deeply if others like us. Why? Because we LOVE them. SO it hurts when they don't feel the same way.

I have some inspiring words. Deal with it. haha... kay. not exactly that.... but pretty much. Most companions that didn't like me had severe depression and anxiety. The other companions even if we weren't friends, we got along fairly well because we both had the spirit, and we were both trying as hard as we could to work well together. 

so... here's the thing. I know its hard, but try to remember that its not personal. Most likely your companion is truly struggling with something on the inside which is why he is not as pleased you. Just be nice to him, pray for him, and when he is rude, unkind or distant, just remind yourself that its him, not you.

(On discouragement)

 There is no point in going on a mission unless you get severely discouraged a couple of times. Those times, where you are most discouraged, are the times that persuade you to fall on your knees in complete humility before Heavenly Father and find ultimate peace and joy through him... despite the difficulty of your situation. That is what missions are made of... the sweetest of joys and the bitterest of sorrows. The discouragement is what makes the joy sweeter when it comes.

I want you to know that I love you. And I do empathize. I am not really just saying "deal with it", or "sucker up". I know that it is extremely hard. And its not fun to be discouraged, or disliked, or to find people dropping from your investigator list like flies. But remember this is all part of this experience. Heavenly Father loves you so much, and he allows you to feel sorrow and pain and discouragement because there is no better way for us to grow. He is watching out for you. And of course, never forget that you are doing SO SO SO much for the people. At times you may feel that everything is crumbling around your ears, or that you are not doing much on your mission. That you are going through the motions, but accomplishing nothing. 

THIS IS UNTRUE. It is Satan's most common lie for missionaries. Anytime you start feeling this way, kneel down, and ask Heavenly Father to remind you of your purpose and remind you of how much you are doing for this world. Goodness gracious, he will overwhelm you with love and understanding, and you will feel briefly, that all is right in the world. 

Remember, I love you. God loves you. you are doing great and amazing things. You are making miracles. 

Right now, you are someones angel - sent straight from heaven.

My very first blog post! How exciting.

People may ask, why now? What persuaded me to begin a blog at this point in my life? Truth is... I just lost my job. Job number 2. I am 21 years old and seemingly unable to keep my young life together. This is pretty frustrating. I watch many people of my own age whose lives seem to be perfect. They are going to school, getting degrees, getting married, having children, or just having fun! And here I am, often stuck at home, dealing with pain, sickness, and fatigue.
However, throughout it all, I have maintained strong faith in my Heavenly Father and trust that some good will come out of this. I created this blog as a place to put my many thoughts and feelings pertaining to my life, and the multiple blessings that my God bestows upon me.
As you read, please know that I am no great writer or rhetorician. I am merely a girl: a girl with passion in her heart and time on her hands. But I hope that something I say will touch you and help you feel how very close our Heavenly Father is, and how involved He is in our lives.