In Sunday School today I heard something very interesting that really started to make me think. I decided to write a quote about it - 

"In our life we will most likely have more failures and trials than we have success. But it is not only the success, but the trials, that make it worth it."

 --Hannah Benge

Have you wrapped your mind around this at all yet? 

Its something that I have often pondered - what in life makes it worth living for each of us. I know it is worth it, and I always have, but I am always wondering what it is in life that does make it worth it for ME personally. Normally its the same answer - love. Love from my Heavenly Father, from my family, from my friends... Love FOR my family, for my Heavenly Father, for my friends.... This is what keeps me going. 

What does this have to do with success and failure? This idea about what makes life worth living hit me quickly and powerfully. Why? Because its true! Every hard experience I have had in life, every trial, every sorrow... I regret none of them so far. Why?  Because they are the stories that shape my life! And, as I said... even the most painful of experiences is filled with love. Every time I pray I feel love from my Heavenly Father. I have also been very blessed with a wonderful family, and they have loved me and supported me through rain and shine. But best of all, whether you believe you suffer alone or not, every experience is a single thread in the beautiful tapestry of life that we weave. And not a single strand can be taken out without the beauty of the weave being compromised.

I am now to determined to remember this. Someday, I will look back at this time in my life and feel JOY because of what I learned, what I did, and who I became. Even now I can feel joy as I slowly write my story line by line. I don't have to wait until I have some big success in order feel that my life is worth it. Life includes both good and bad, and like the quote says, (especially if you are judging your life by the world's standards), you are probably going to be a failure for your whole life. Maybe a few little success's here and there, but nothing so momentous that you are on the high of success for the rest of your days. And so, we have to learn that EVERY moment, both good or bad is worth it- is special, is unique, is VITAL for who we become.

I still wish that instead of the gray and black threads that I am sometimes given, I could always have a bright gold, or  a purple, or a red... But instead, God knows what is best. So its just a little green or blue thread here and there, with a lot of white, gray, black and brown. What we don't realize right now, is that when our tapestry (or life) is over, we will have created a beautiful mountain scene- with a dark lake, a towering summit, with those few golden threads creating the sun that pierces through the dark clouds - a picture of such overwhelming beauty we will wonder why we hated the dull threads that make up this masterpiece! 

One of my greatest goals in life is to be happy. Its probably one of the goals that most of us human beings share - we are constantly seeking for more joy in our lives, and often we look in the wrong places.

I have always been a naturally happy and optimistic person. Of course, a lot of my joy has come from believing in my Savior Jesus Christ and His gospel, knowing that God is my father and that He loves me, and from being raised by wonderful, loving parents. I had a beautiful childhood. We were very poor for a while as I was growing up - and I don't remember any fancy toys or electronics at all. I remember an old suitcase full of 'dress-up' clothes, some old dishes my parents got at a thrift shop, and a few stuffed animals. But more than that, my childhood was full of books (stories that my mother read to me, and others that I read myself), drawing and painting, music, and lots of learning. My parents raised me strictly but with love, which I know contributed greatly to my happiness when I was younger, and even now blesses me still.

But a lot of happiness is a choice. I have learned this more and more as I get older. I have had many trials that were of course unexpected and unprepared for - and my life is much different than I could ever dream it would be. More and more, though my life is still wonderful, I find myself facing the choice to be happy, or to not be.

Recently, I discovered a huge way that I am CHOOSING not to be as happy as I could be. And its a bit pathetic to admit, but important that I do finally admit it, so here I go. I am embarrassed of who I am. 

I really didn't figure this out until recently. For a while now I have been hesitant to go to wedding receptions, or homecomings, or parties where my old high school friends will be in attendance. And the events that I do attend, I always become anxious beforehand. For months I have declined different invites to different places because, for some reason, I just didn't want to go. And I finally figured it out. I am ashamed of who I am. 

This is so very sad, but true. Even though I am slowly coming to terms with my new life, my new body, and my new goals, I have been unable to come to terms with others SEEING me in my new life, my new body, and with new goals. A lot of it comes from the expectations that I perceive they have for me. So many of my friends thought that I was BOUND to succeed, to become famous, and thought I was beautiful, smart, and that the sky was the limit for me. And I believed it completely - again brimming with confidence partly due to my natural disposition, and partly due to the care and teaching of my parents. 

Now I am faced with those expectations  - shimmering hazily before me - and I feel that at every turn I am disappointing those friends and acquaintances. I know in my heart that these expectations are hardly real, and most of my old friends won't think twice about how I look now and where I am at in life. To them, I am still simply "Hannah Benge", their friend and loved one. But in my own mind, I see pity on their faces, disgust in their eyes, and disappointment in their words.

How sad that I have not realized this for so long! I feel that I don't measure up to the standards that I CREATED in my own mind and imagine coming from them! Four years ago when they knew me I was fun, happy, confident, successful, smart, beautiful, trim, and talented. Now, (again only in my OWN mind), I think they see me as pitiful, failing, poor, lazy, ugly, fat, and sad. 

And this is what I must fix! I have to correct my thinking. Again, I have to come to terms with who I am. I have to realize that my life IS changed, but not necessarily for the worst - just different. I have to realize that I MYSELF am different. I have to remember that overcoming the trials I have been given is a SUCCESS, just a different one than I had planned! 

I am a little plumper, perhaps a littler sadder and wiser, more aware, more grateful! I am much tireder, and I don't work anywhere that I ever thought I'd work. I am not dating, I live with my grandparents, and I write a blog for fun. :) But none of this is anything to be ashamed about! 

I have chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic migraines, now chronic back pain from a herniated disc. And yet, I served a full mission! I taught hundreds of people the gospel of Jesus Christ in Tennessee! I loved hundreds of people with all my heart and did my best to show them that God loves them, and all of this while I was sick! 

I have gained weight, but despite feeling sick and tired all the time, I exercise EVERY DAY and try to eat healthy! I have a wonderful part time job helping others with family history, and another part time job as a nanny -showing two beautiful children as much love as I can. I have met lots of people and loved every single one of them. I have made new friends, and made new memories. I have tried to bless my immediate family as much as I can, and try to serve them often. 

I am still a strong Christian, and know that my faith in God is stronger than ever. I am beautiful inside and out and no matter what my failings, I ALWAYS try my very hardest at everything I do. 

Are these not things to be proud of? 

I need to let go of being ashamed. I need to forget the crazy expectations that I hold myself to, and remember that who I am is just as great as who I was. I need to remember that a couple of pounds gained doesn't diminish my beauty. I need to remember that love is out there for me somewhere and that I am WORTHY of a good and righteous man. 

And most of all, I need to remember that God sees me the way I truly am - as His precious daughter, as a friend to those around me, as someone who tries hard at everything she does in life - even despite pain, sorrow and exhaustion, as a dedicated nanny, as a devoted Christian, as a loving daughter, as a beautiful woman with a smile of sunshine, as a happy and confident woman who just forgot for a while how happy she could be. 

I ask all of you, ask God how He sees you. Don't believe the lies that Satan throws at you - that others judge you, or that you aren't living up to the expectations you should be, that you are too fat, or too thin, or too dumb or too smart. I beseech you to look inside and find the light that is somewhere deep within and let it shine. Be proud of who you are, and who you can become! And don't forget how many lives you touch, and how many people love you. 

Let your light shine!!!

This week, I sinned. I mean, no surprise there. We all sin a ton every week, even when we are doing our best. But there was a sin that I definitely could have avoided - something very simple that I just needed to remember: Gratitude.

Life sucks sometimes! As you know from probably every post so far, I am struggling pretty bad right now. I am broke, jobless (hopefully just until next week), in pain, always exhausted, and living with my grandparents (which is super fun, but still, I am 21)..... etc, etc... you know all this. And it is easy to get down on myself - wonder why I am not dating, why I have to personally suffer with this, why everything can't just WORK OUT for once. Does this sound familiar at all? It doesn't really matter what life you live, everyone thinks these thoughts at least once in their life.

Well, this week was one of those weeks. Really, it was a great week. Nothing particularly sad about it, or worse than normal. But I kept thinking, why me? What am I supposed to do with my life now?

Then, yesterday, I woke up, feeling alright. The sun was streaming through my window. I was as tired as normal, my back still hurt, and I didn't find a sudden windfall of gold as I got out of bed. But the spirit kept telling me that God was there. I ignored it for a long time, but later that day I saw a small miracle. It would seem a very small thing to others, but to me it made all the difference. It allowed me to have enough money to buy the medication I needed. Wow!

As I got back into the car after buying my medication I felt tears coming. The spirit was right. God was there. He is still watching me, He is aware that I am poor, desperate and hurting. He knows how badly I needed that medication. He knows how ungrateful I have been lately, and he gave me this miracle simply to remind me that He was there and in control.

His hand is in my life! It is in all of ours! So this is my point.... remember to be grateful. I spent much of the day repenting for being so ungrateful to my Father in Heaven, after all He has done for me! The spirit all through yesterday continued to remind me of the small instances in my life RIGHT NOW that God has had His Omnipotent hand in. The ways that He has blessed me -both small and large - should never be forgotten! And how silly I was to forget!

Just a reminder, from someone who was just reminded: God is there. He loves you SO SO MUCH! He is VERY aware of every detail in your life. Heavenly Father cares about even the little things. He doesn't always give us exactly what we want, or what we think we need, but in His infinite wisdom He gives us that which will bless us the most.

So if you are reading this, do me a favor. Stop whatever you are doing, and bow your head for a short moment and give thanks to Our Almighty God for all the He does for you. Be grateful for even the smallest instances in which He moves His hands to bless and help you. And most of all, be grateful for the things that you can't yet see that He has done for you! For I know that there are plenty!

I love my Heavenly Father and I am so so grateful for all the blessings, seen and unseen, that He gives me!