I just spent a couple of wonderful days with my family. I danced with my siblings, I had long, deep discussions with my mother and father, basked in the glow of the love I was shown, and filled my mind with new memories.

As I was there I learned a lesson that I have learned many times over: I am awesome.

Does it sound too pompous yet?

I have been struggling with my health for a long time. Even with my naturally optimistic and cheerful personality, and the hope that the gospel brings, I still feel sometimes that I am drowning in grief over what might have been. It's not that I don't think that things will get better - I do. But sometimes, trials last for so long that you forget that you will eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is where I am right now. With my new-found back problems, and the continuous struggles with chronic fatigue, it feels like I have been fighting a losing battle for a long time.

It sounds so pessimistic and depressing to put it in writing! But it's the truth. And what's even more true is that ALL of us feel this at one point or another. We feel that we are in a leaking boat in the middle of a vast body of water -  and that there is no land in sight.

What's worse is that often times we turn these trials into more than just life; we internalize these struggles and somehow manage to blame ourselves for the trials we are having. We slowly start to believe that we are failing, that we are weak... that we are the ones that single-handedly managed to put holes in the boat and push it far out to sea.

 Sometimes it is partially our fault - sometimes it is ALL our fault, and sometimes it is just plain, ole', rotten life throwing us for a loop again. Whatever the factors, we MUST not allow ourselves to believe Satan's lies ( I am not trying to get up on a soapbox here - I am writing this as much to myself as to anyone else).

WE ARE AWESOME! We are put into such crazy situations in life, and there is NO WAY that any mortal man or woman is going to come out on top! It is literally IMPOSSIBLE for us to win every battle. It is the trials in life that make us vulnerable, and it is vulnerability that allows us to be shaped and molded and shaped again into the people God wants us to be.

Now, in all honesty, remembering this isn't really going to make the trial any better. For example, all weekend I was constantly being reminded of how important I am, how loved I am, and how special I am -  and yet, my back still ached, my head still pounded at the end of each day, and the chronic fatigue was as present as ever.

 But something has changed. I was reminded again of how precious I am even in this weak and wounded body. As my three year-old sister held my hand, I remembered how I too used to be innocent and untainted - pure. As my five year-old brother hugged me, punched me, hung on me and tackled me, I remembered how I too have a strong and distinct personality that showed through my eyes even as I was born. As I talked to my mother I was reminded of how much I am loved. As I talked to my father, he reminded me of how proud he is of me.

And so here tonight, unable to sleep, weary, worn, and down-right exhausted, I am writing this to remind you how special YOU are. It doesn't matter what trials you are given. It doesn't matter your physical, emotional or spiritual well-being. It doesn't matter if you are in one of life's highs, or hitting rock bottom.... you are special. You are God's child. You are loved. You are precious. You are one-of-a-kind, and NO ONE and NOTHING can take that away.

I will still sometimes mourn the person I was before chronic fatigue and other trials, until I can learn to be content with how I am. But I also look forward to the person I will become because of the things that I have gone through. I GLORY in who I am, because I am a daughter of God. And even if I never get better, I will have infinite worth. I still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel... but I know that even as I walk in darkness, I shine with an inner light that will never go away.