I have always been a naturally happy and optimistic person. Of course, a lot of my joy has come from believing in my Savior Jesus Christ and His gospel, knowing that God is my father and that He loves me, and from being raised by wonderful, loving parents. I had a beautiful childhood. We were very poor for a while as I was growing up - and I don't remember any fancy toys or electronics at all. I remember an old suitcase full of 'dress-up' clothes, some old dishes my parents got at a thrift shop, and a few stuffed animals. But more than that, my childhood was full of books (stories that my mother read to me, and others that I read myself), drawing and painting, music, and lots of learning. My parents raised me strictly but with love, which I know contributed greatly to my happiness when I was younger, and even now blesses me still.
But a lot of happiness is a choice. I have learned this more and more as I get older. I have had many trials that were of course unexpected and unprepared for - and my life is much different than I could ever dream it would be. More and more, though my life is still wonderful, I find myself facing the choice to be happy, or to not be.
Recently, I discovered a huge way that I am CHOOSING not to be as happy as I could be. And its a bit pathetic to admit, but important that I do finally admit it, so here I go. I am embarrassed of who I am.
I really didn't figure this out until recently. For a while now I have been hesitant to go to wedding receptions, or homecomings, or parties where my old high school friends will be in attendance. And the events that I do attend, I always become anxious beforehand. For months I have declined different invites to different places because, for some reason, I just didn't want to go. And I finally figured it out. I am ashamed of who I am.
This is so very sad, but true. Even though I am slowly coming to terms with my new life, my new body, and my new goals, I have been unable to come to terms with others SEEING me in my new life, my new body, and with new goals. A lot of it comes from the expectations that I perceive they have for me. So many of my friends thought that I was BOUND to succeed, to become famous, and thought I was beautiful, smart, and that the sky was the limit for me. And I believed it completely - again brimming with confidence partly due to my natural disposition, and partly due to the care and teaching of my parents.
Now I am faced with those expectations - shimmering hazily before me - and I feel that at every turn I am disappointing those friends and acquaintances. I know in my heart that these expectations are hardly real, and most of my old friends won't think twice about how I look now and where I am at in life. To them, I am still simply "Hannah Benge", their friend and loved one. But in my own mind, I see pity on their faces, disgust in their eyes, and disappointment in their words.
How sad that I have not realized this for so long! I feel that I don't measure up to the standards that I CREATED in my own mind and imagine coming from them! Four years ago when they knew me I was fun, happy, confident, successful, smart, beautiful, trim, and talented. Now, (again only in my OWN mind), I think they see me as pitiful, failing, poor, lazy, ugly, fat, and sad.
And this is what I must fix! I have to correct my thinking. Again, I have to come to terms with who I am. I have to realize that my life IS changed, but not necessarily for the worst - just different. I have to realize that I MYSELF am different. I have to remember that overcoming the trials I have been given is a SUCCESS, just a different one than I had planned!
I am a little plumper, perhaps a littler sadder and wiser, more aware, more grateful! I am much tireder, and I don't work anywhere that I ever thought I'd work. I am not dating, I live with my grandparents, and I write a blog for fun. :) But none of this is anything to be ashamed about!
I have chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic migraines, now chronic back pain from a herniated disc. And yet, I served a full mission! I taught hundreds of people the gospel of Jesus Christ in Tennessee! I loved hundreds of people with all my heart and did my best to show them that God loves them, and all of this while I was sick!
I have gained weight, but despite feeling sick and tired all the time, I exercise EVERY DAY and try to eat healthy! I have a wonderful part time job helping others with family history, and another part time job as a nanny -showing two beautiful children as much love as I can. I have met lots of people and loved every single one of them. I have made new friends, and made new memories. I have tried to bless my immediate family as much as I can, and try to serve them often.
I am still a strong Christian, and know that my faith in God is stronger than ever. I am beautiful inside and out and no matter what my failings, I ALWAYS try my very hardest at everything I do.
Are these not things to be proud of?
I need to let go of being ashamed. I need to forget the crazy expectations that I hold myself to, and remember that who I am is just as great as who I was. I need to remember that a couple of pounds gained doesn't diminish my beauty. I need to remember that love is out there for me somewhere and that I am WORTHY of a good and righteous man.
And most of all, I need to remember that God sees me the way I truly am - as His precious daughter, as a friend to those around me, as someone who tries hard at everything she does in life - even despite pain, sorrow and exhaustion, as a dedicated nanny, as a devoted Christian, as a loving daughter, as a beautiful woman with a smile of sunshine, as a happy and confident woman who just forgot for a while how happy she could be.
I ask all of you, ask God how He sees you. Don't believe the lies that Satan throws at you - that others judge you, or that you aren't living up to the expectations you should be, that you are too fat, or too thin, or too dumb or too smart. I beseech you to look inside and find the light that is somewhere deep within and let it shine. Be proud of who you are, and who you can become! And don't forget how many lives you touch, and how many people love you.
Let your light shine!!!
I think you're just in a phase, a "funk", created by the disappointment of your new diagnosis, fear of failure which creates anxiety, shame/embarrassment that your talents may not be as phenomenal as you first perceived,and confusion about your future goals. Idk, I don't know everything but Heavenly Father does.
ReplyDeleteYou are very young. I mean VERY. You may feel older, perhaps even wiser, but you have a lot of life still to come that will bring more experiences for you to grow in the light of our Saviour Jesus Christ. It can be frightening, intimidating, and overwhelming at times to consider the fact that we are "free" as adults to choose our own life. When we are young our parents tell us what to do and they set our daily routine and for the most part they may even describe their expectations of us. But for some reason once parents get us thru high school, our mission, or college, they are done and we must "fly from the nest" choosing our own path. We see our friends making life choices, our parents looking at us to FLY, and all the expectations from friends and family, and maybe even ourselves, with this huge world to step out into! Yikes! It's difficult and scary already without that feeling that others are "watching" to see what we do, offering unsolicited advice, and thinking God only knows what! <--this is a problem. If you spend your life trying to please other people, live your life according to other's expectations, you will be miserable all your life. YOUR LIFE is yours to live. I can only imagine that you had plans or at least some idea, a dream of what you would do after you finished school and your mission which were part of your families goals and expectations of you? I can also imagine that your new diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome plus your herniated disk has jammed a big wrench in the mechanics of any plans you might have had. It would for anyone. I could imagine how frustrated you must be or even sad. I could only imagine the pressure from hurting and being exhausted at the start of your life where you and others invisioned something totally different for your life.
Forget everyone else and put God first. Don't worry about what others think or expect, ask God for guidance and direction because he knows your heart desire and HE HAS A PLAN for you. Just for you. Remember, we are here to learn and grow, we are given free will to choose in hopes we choose God's will, and we WILL have trials to overcome. Failure here is when you move away from Heavenly Father and choose worldly. You may have plans and desires for your life and God has something different in mind with His plan? So as long as you maintain the attitude that God is in control of your life you will NEVER be a failure. Beware that Satan will extort your vulnerabilities and suggest that persuing what you want rather than what God wants will bring you happiness but you know it won't. You ARE talented! This thought behaviour results from insecurities that may creep in because in part you are growing and learning and your humility has expanded due to your growing maturity. Humility is wisdom when it's healthy and realistic but if exaggerated it can make us feel horrible! Remember that there are others here in earth that may share similar talents. They may even appear stronger and more gifted but you do not know what Heavenly Father is teaching them. So keep your eyes on your own paper, you are a blessed child of God and others would not tell you they were impressed by your talents if they weren't.
So you thought life in your early twenties would be different? Everything happens for a reason, so TRUST God. Most people live to around 80 years so this means realistically you have approximately 40 more years to see what God has in store. This too shall pass and may be a big part in what God has in store for you.
Good luck!
Thank you! Your words are wonderful and wise! And I agree! God has to come first, for every time we put Him anywhere else in our hearts, eventually we will find the mountainside crumbling beneath us. And as we fall we will grab desperately at anything we can, and we will find the everything else in our lives cannot help us. And then we have the choice again to reach out to God and let him save us or we can fall. God is the only one that will be there every time and in every situation. And He is the only one who always knows and always understands.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your words again! I will take them to heart. And good luck with your own adventure!