I just spent a couple of wonderful days with my family. I danced with my siblings, I had long, deep discussions with my mother and father, basked in the glow of the love I was shown, and filled my mind with new memories.
As I was there I learned a lesson that I have learned many times over: I am awesome.
Does it sound too pompous yet?
I have been struggling with my health for a long time. Even with my naturally optimistic and cheerful personality, and the hope that the gospel brings, I still feel sometimes that I am drowning in grief over what might have been. It's not that I don't think that things will get better - I do. But sometimes, trials last for so long that you forget that you will eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is where I am right now. With my new-found back problems, and the continuous struggles with chronic fatigue, it feels like I have been fighting a losing battle for a long time.
It sounds so pessimistic and depressing to put it in writing! But it's the truth. And what's even more true is that ALL of us feel this at one point or another. We feel that we are in a leaking boat in the middle of a vast body of water - and that there is no land in sight.
What's worse is that often times we turn these trials into more than just life; we internalize these struggles and somehow manage to blame ourselves for the trials we are having. We slowly start to believe that we are failing, that we are weak... that we are the ones that single-handedly managed to put holes in the boat and push it far out to sea.
Sometimes it is partially our fault - sometimes it is ALL our fault, and sometimes it is just plain, ole', rotten life throwing us for a loop again. Whatever the factors, we MUST not allow ourselves to believe Satan's lies ( I am not trying to get up on a soapbox here - I am writing this as much to myself as to anyone else).
WE ARE AWESOME! We are put into such crazy situations in life, and there is NO WAY that any mortal man or woman is going to come out on top! It is literally IMPOSSIBLE for us to win every battle. It is the trials in life that make us vulnerable, and it is vulnerability that allows us to be shaped and molded and shaped again into the people God wants us to be.
Now, in all honesty, remembering this isn't really going to make the trial any better. For example, all weekend I was constantly being reminded of how important I am, how loved I am, and how special I am - and yet, my back still ached, my head still pounded at the end of each day, and the chronic fatigue was as present as ever.
But something has changed. I was reminded again of how precious I am even in this weak and wounded body. As my three year-old sister held my hand, I remembered how I too used to be innocent and untainted - pure. As my five year-old brother hugged me, punched me, hung on me and tackled me, I remembered how I too have a strong and distinct personality that showed through my eyes even as I was born. As I talked to my mother I was reminded of how much I am loved. As I talked to my father, he reminded me of how proud he is of me.
And so here tonight, unable to sleep, weary, worn, and down-right exhausted, I am writing this to remind you how special YOU are. It doesn't matter what trials you are given. It doesn't matter your physical, emotional or spiritual well-being. It doesn't matter if you are in one of life's highs, or hitting rock bottom.... you are special. You are God's child. You are loved. You are precious. You are one-of-a-kind, and NO ONE and NOTHING can take that away.
I will still sometimes mourn the person I was before chronic fatigue and other trials, until I can learn to be content with how I am. But I also look forward to the person I will become because of the things that I have gone through. I GLORY in who I am, because I am a daughter of God. And even if I never get better, I will have infinite worth. I still can't see the light at the end of the tunnel... but I know that even as I walk in darkness, I shine with an inner light that will never go away.
Monday, May 30, 2016
Saturday, May 21, 2016
The primary reason for me starting a blog was to help others that were going through difficulties similar to mine. Right now, I struggle with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and a herniated disc. These are health problems that have severely changed the way I wanted my life to play out - indeed these health problems have limited in ways I didn't even think about before. But now I know.
Once my mother and I were talking and we discussed how my life was turning out so different from what I had planned. I complained about how limited I was.. how I couldn't do all I wanted to do... how I couldn't live the life of a 21 year old girl. She kindly mentioned that maybe my life was being limited in certain ways so that doors would open for me in other ways.
This is an interesting thought, but one I have clung on to for dear life. I have always LOVED life and wanted to enjoy it to its fullest. I wanted to be successful, beautiful, spiritual, help those in need, have a family, have a career, go to school, etc etc etc. I had SO many plans, and so many goals. Now I am not saying that because of my chronic illness these things won't happen. That's how it felt for a long time, but because of my mother's simple words to me I see things in a different light. The ways that I THOUGHT I would be successful might not happen. I might help others, but it will no longer be by me flying to third world countries and building houses for them. I will still have a family, but perhaps I won't be the "supermom" I always imagined I would be. I can still have a career, I can still go to school... it is just going to be much different from the dreams that I had as a little girl.
To help others, I will simply be there for them in their need. I will listen, give advice if they ask, open my arms, my home, my heart to those who need. I will love every person I meet, and try to make sure they feel that. I will still serve, but it will be quietly and simply.
As a mother, I may not be able to do everything at once. There will be many days that I am so exhausted that I will feel like crying all day and collapse on the bed when its over - only to be woken up by a crying child a little later. But, I will still be a mother. And I will love my children with all my soul. I will teach them, I will serve them. I may not make 3 delicious meals a day (like my amazing mother), but they will know that I love them, they will know that God loves them, and they will know that they can love others.
I may not have a successful career like I thought, but I can still be productive - do things that will help others around me, and perhaps my career will be something different than I ever thought.
I will still do the things that matter. I will still pray, read the scriptures, go to the temple, accept callings, and do my best every day. Even with frequent naps, illnesses, or headaches, I will simply have to find the time to do what matters most to me - and what matters most to God.
This is a different life than I had planned. But it can still be beautiful.
Once my mother and I were talking and we discussed how my life was turning out so different from what I had planned. I complained about how limited I was.. how I couldn't do all I wanted to do... how I couldn't live the life of a 21 year old girl. She kindly mentioned that maybe my life was being limited in certain ways so that doors would open for me in other ways.
This is an interesting thought, but one I have clung on to for dear life. I have always LOVED life and wanted to enjoy it to its fullest. I wanted to be successful, beautiful, spiritual, help those in need, have a family, have a career, go to school, etc etc etc. I had SO many plans, and so many goals. Now I am not saying that because of my chronic illness these things won't happen. That's how it felt for a long time, but because of my mother's simple words to me I see things in a different light. The ways that I THOUGHT I would be successful might not happen. I might help others, but it will no longer be by me flying to third world countries and building houses for them. I will still have a family, but perhaps I won't be the "supermom" I always imagined I would be. I can still have a career, I can still go to school... it is just going to be much different from the dreams that I had as a little girl.
To help others, I will simply be there for them in their need. I will listen, give advice if they ask, open my arms, my home, my heart to those who need. I will love every person I meet, and try to make sure they feel that. I will still serve, but it will be quietly and simply.
As a mother, I may not be able to do everything at once. There will be many days that I am so exhausted that I will feel like crying all day and collapse on the bed when its over - only to be woken up by a crying child a little later. But, I will still be a mother. And I will love my children with all my soul. I will teach them, I will serve them. I may not make 3 delicious meals a day (like my amazing mother), but they will know that I love them, they will know that God loves them, and they will know that they can love others.
I may not have a successful career like I thought, but I can still be productive - do things that will help others around me, and perhaps my career will be something different than I ever thought.
I will still do the things that matter. I will still pray, read the scriptures, go to the temple, accept callings, and do my best every day. Even with frequent naps, illnesses, or headaches, I will simply have to find the time to do what matters most to me - and what matters most to God.
This is a different life than I had planned. But it can still be beautiful.
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is very different as an insider than an outsider.
When I first started suspecting that I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome I started learning all I could about it. Scientists and doctors always suggest the same things to help - exercise, lots of sleep, getting to bed early and rising early, eating healthy....
I cannot tell you how depressing it was to read that. My mother was studying up on it as well, and her advice to me was the same. However, all her well-meant comments did was incense me. I was angry and frustrated. Why? Because those are absolutely the HARDEST things in the entire world for someone with Chronic Fatigue to do.
Chronic fatigue causes more than just fatigue.... it causes killer migraines, weak muscles, dizziness. It makes it much harder to sleep, and it makes it feel like you are going to die if you can't. It is can cause a sick stomach, faintness, a rapid heart beat, drops in blood pressure... It is miserable.
I would try to exercise - do push-ups or something... my arms would completely give out. I would get dizzy when I walked or did anything too strenuous - sometimes I would get dizzy just by putting on make-up or showering.
At night I couldn't sleep for hours. I would be exhausted all day, just waiting to fall into bed. Then I would toss and turn for hours - normally waking up with a horrible headache.
I am by no means better, but I have learned practices that have helped me take control of my life and my health. I am not perfect at doing these things, but I have identified what things help, and my health is important enough to me that I do my best.
For sleep:
Tune in next time for tips on exercise. :)
When I first started suspecting that I had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome I started learning all I could about it. Scientists and doctors always suggest the same things to help - exercise, lots of sleep, getting to bed early and rising early, eating healthy....
I cannot tell you how depressing it was to read that. My mother was studying up on it as well, and her advice to me was the same. However, all her well-meant comments did was incense me. I was angry and frustrated. Why? Because those are absolutely the HARDEST things in the entire world for someone with Chronic Fatigue to do.
Chronic fatigue causes more than just fatigue.... it causes killer migraines, weak muscles, dizziness. It makes it much harder to sleep, and it makes it feel like you are going to die if you can't. It is can cause a sick stomach, faintness, a rapid heart beat, drops in blood pressure... It is miserable.
I would try to exercise - do push-ups or something... my arms would completely give out. I would get dizzy when I walked or did anything too strenuous - sometimes I would get dizzy just by putting on make-up or showering.
At night I couldn't sleep for hours. I would be exhausted all day, just waiting to fall into bed. Then I would toss and turn for hours - normally waking up with a horrible headache.
I am by no means better, but I have learned practices that have helped me take control of my life and my health. I am not perfect at doing these things, but I have identified what things help, and my health is important enough to me that I do my best.
For sleep:
- Listen to calming music, or an audio book while trying to fall asleep. This will help focus your mind, and get it away from the chaos of your thoughts. Figure out what works best for you.
- Make sure the room is cool. Heat makes it harder to sleep.
- Avoid screens AT LEAST 30 minutes before bed. Preferably an hour.
- Avoid sugar and caffeine about 6 hours before you go to bed.
- MAKE yourself go to bed, even if it is hard for you to sleep. Try to always make yourself go to bed around the same time.
- Always set an alarm to wake up. Get used to waking up around the same time, even if you are sick and have to go back to bed afterwards.
- Try stretching or going for a short walk before bed. This will wear you out and make your body long for the mattress.
- Taking Melatonin or Benadryl before bed can help a lot. Make sure if you take Benadryl you get at least get 8 hours of sleep to make sure it has time to leave your system.
Tune in next time for tips on exercise. :)
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Last General Conference ( a worldwide broadcast conference put on by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints - talks are given by our apostles and our prophet and president of the church, as well as other general authorities), there was an excellent talk given Devin G. Durrant, called "My Heart Pondereth Them Continually". He spoke on choosing scriptures that stood out to you, and then pondering them "continually" throughout the week. He termed this "ponderizing" - a word that refers to mix of memorization and, of course, deep pondering.
I have always felt strongly about the scriptures, and have always believed in the importance of memorizing them, so that they can always be on the mind, and hopefully, on the tip of the tongue. My mother and father were also very good about helping us memorize scriptures when I was young. Sometimes, during the summer, or during the Christmas season, we would even choose a scripture a day to memorize. Since I left home, I have tried to keep up the trend, and at least memorize the occasional scripture, and of course, when I was on my mission it was common practice.
When I heard Devin Durrant give this talk, I was immediately struck with how inspired this was - Such a wonderful idea! It was brilliant how he spoke of how the entire focus should not be JUST on the memorization, but rather, focusing on the REASON why we even memorize these scriptures in the first place - which is to gain the spiritual understanding and knowledge that these scriptures give us, and then store them securely in our mind to bless us continually. PONDERIZING IS AWESOME.
So... After that long and perhaps unnecessary tangent... the ACTUAL reason for this post.
This last week I chose a scripture from the Book of Mormon. Alma 39:9.
"Now my son, I would that ye should repent and forsake your sins, and go no more after the lusts of your eyes but cross yourself in all these things: for except ye do this ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God. Oh, remember, and take it upon you, and cross yourself in these things."
The reason that I chose this scripture is because I really have been studying self-control... Self-mastery. I know that it is extremely important for us to learn how to control our thoughts, words, and actions in this life. Indeed, this scripture mentions that unless we do this, we cannot inherit the kingdom of God. Therefore, it is pretty dang important!
I love how it particularly mentions to "cross yourself". When I pondered the meaning of this I imagined it meant double-crossing yourself. So... Going at it from more than one side; not only creating precautions to keep you in check on one side, but protecting yourself from the other as well. This ensures that you are constantly on the watch - looking out for yourself, so that you don't slip up and lose control.
It reminds me of another FANTASTIC scripture (I will be ponderizing this one as well at some point). Alma 38:12 - in this it mentions "bridling your passions". Again, it wouldn't be very helpful if you just used a rope around the horse's neck, or only used a saddle, or only used a bit and no reigns... Therefore... you use them all. You cover all your bases.... you cross yourself, and therefore, you have control.
My all time FAVORITE scripture that goes along with this subject however is Proverbs 25:28.
"He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls."
Wow. Powerful imagery. If you don't have self-control, you are like a city... a city without protection... a city run down and dilapidated. I don't want to be that city, that's for sure.
Another brilliant author and poet who is famous for her works dealing with the philosophy of the mind wrote:
"As a rule, we must not be the slaves of passion; rather, we must be the possessors of great passions. Through passion commences power, but passion should not direct our paths; rather passions should be as bridled horses, with us commanding whence and to they be directed. Our passions must not take their own courses; but they must be directed by us into which course they ought to take. Modern day people blindly follow the notion that to be slaves to their passions is to be free! But for one to be the master of ones passions is not only to be free - but powerful."
I think this is beautifully put. I don't know why society has decided that self-mastery is restricting. For some reason, they tell us that we have the "right" to lose control and do whatever we want. Well, its true, we DO have the right. But is it truly going to make us happy to completely lose ourselves? Is it truly good for us to let our wills and passions drive us, without any regard for our own welfare or the welfare of others? Learning to control our passions, learning to use restraint with our words, learning to curb our appetites, to master over time what our limits should be - this is largely why we are here on earth in these wonderful bodies! We do have these bodies that God has given us, but they do naturally, lack control, and if we gave reign to all of our passions we would all end up being slaves to food, sex, drugs, and anything else that we have an appetite for. Control, mastery, is VITAL for our happiness and our success in this life.
I will leave you with one last piquant and thought provoking quote that I think sums it up nicely.
"You will never have a greater or lesser dominion than over yourself... the height of a man's success is gauged by his self-mastery; the depth of his failure by his self-abandonment."
- Leonardo Da Vinci
I have always felt strongly about the scriptures, and have always believed in the importance of memorizing them, so that they can always be on the mind, and hopefully, on the tip of the tongue. My mother and father were also very good about helping us memorize scriptures when I was young. Sometimes, during the summer, or during the Christmas season, we would even choose a scripture a day to memorize. Since I left home, I have tried to keep up the trend, and at least memorize the occasional scripture, and of course, when I was on my mission it was common practice.
When I heard Devin Durrant give this talk, I was immediately struck with how inspired this was - Such a wonderful idea! It was brilliant how he spoke of how the entire focus should not be JUST on the memorization, but rather, focusing on the REASON why we even memorize these scriptures in the first place - which is to gain the spiritual understanding and knowledge that these scriptures give us, and then store them securely in our mind to bless us continually. PONDERIZING IS AWESOME.
So... After that long and perhaps unnecessary tangent... the ACTUAL reason for this post.
This last week I chose a scripture from the Book of Mormon. Alma 39:9.
"Now my son, I would that ye should repent and forsake your sins, and go no more after the lusts of your eyes but cross yourself in all these things: for except ye do this ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God. Oh, remember, and take it upon you, and cross yourself in these things."
The reason that I chose this scripture is because I really have been studying self-control... Self-mastery. I know that it is extremely important for us to learn how to control our thoughts, words, and actions in this life. Indeed, this scripture mentions that unless we do this, we cannot inherit the kingdom of God. Therefore, it is pretty dang important!
I love how it particularly mentions to "cross yourself". When I pondered the meaning of this I imagined it meant double-crossing yourself. So... Going at it from more than one side; not only creating precautions to keep you in check on one side, but protecting yourself from the other as well. This ensures that you are constantly on the watch - looking out for yourself, so that you don't slip up and lose control.
It reminds me of another FANTASTIC scripture (I will be ponderizing this one as well at some point). Alma 38:12 - in this it mentions "bridling your passions". Again, it wouldn't be very helpful if you just used a rope around the horse's neck, or only used a saddle, or only used a bit and no reigns... Therefore... you use them all. You cover all your bases.... you cross yourself, and therefore, you have control.
My all time FAVORITE scripture that goes along with this subject however is Proverbs 25:28.
"He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls."
Wow. Powerful imagery. If you don't have self-control, you are like a city... a city without protection... a city run down and dilapidated. I don't want to be that city, that's for sure.
Another brilliant author and poet who is famous for her works dealing with the philosophy of the mind wrote:
"As a rule, we must not be the slaves of passion; rather, we must be the possessors of great passions. Through passion commences power, but passion should not direct our paths; rather passions should be as bridled horses, with us commanding whence and to they be directed. Our passions must not take their own courses; but they must be directed by us into which course they ought to take. Modern day people blindly follow the notion that to be slaves to their passions is to be free! But for one to be the master of ones passions is not only to be free - but powerful."
I think this is beautifully put. I don't know why society has decided that self-mastery is restricting. For some reason, they tell us that we have the "right" to lose control and do whatever we want. Well, its true, we DO have the right. But is it truly going to make us happy to completely lose ourselves? Is it truly good for us to let our wills and passions drive us, without any regard for our own welfare or the welfare of others? Learning to control our passions, learning to use restraint with our words, learning to curb our appetites, to master over time what our limits should be - this is largely why we are here on earth in these wonderful bodies! We do have these bodies that God has given us, but they do naturally, lack control, and if we gave reign to all of our passions we would all end up being slaves to food, sex, drugs, and anything else that we have an appetite for. Control, mastery, is VITAL for our happiness and our success in this life.
I will leave you with one last piquant and thought provoking quote that I think sums it up nicely.
"You will never have a greater or lesser dominion than over yourself... the height of a man's success is gauged by his self-mastery; the depth of his failure by his self-abandonment."
- Leonardo Da Vinci
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
Recently I was thinking quite a lot about my service as a missionary. I served in Knoxville Tennessee. It was the absolute best experience of my life. Right now I have 2 younger brothers on missions. Reading their letters from Washington, and from Italy, remind me the crazy ups and downs of a mission...
I wrote a letter to one of my brothers that I wanted to share on here... because these are feelings close to my heart. And truths that I feel very passionately about. These things apply to all of us, no matter what are circumstances in life. And I truly believe that ALL of us on our own missions in life - we all have a purpose. God will help us slowly discover our purpose in life, and will remind us of destination as we ask him for guidance.
I wrote a letter to one of my brothers that I wanted to share on here... because these are feelings close to my heart. And truths that I feel very passionately about. These things apply to all of us, no matter what are circumstances in life. And I truly believe that ALL of us on our own missions in life - we all have a purpose. God will help us slowly discover our purpose in life, and will remind us of destination as we ask him for guidance.
(About companions that don't like you)
Well... This was something that was close to my heart. I felt that way quite often. Not with all my companions... not even with most of them. But... its hard. It sucks. And you and me are the same... we both care deeply if others like us. Why? Because we LOVE them. SO it hurts when they don't feel the same way.
I have some inspiring words. Deal with it. haha... kay. not exactly that.... but pretty much. Most companions that didn't like me had severe depression and anxiety. The other companions even if we weren't friends, we got along fairly well because we both had the spirit, and we were both trying as hard as we could to work well together.
so... here's the thing. I know its hard, but try to remember that its not personal. Most likely your companion is truly struggling with something on the inside which is why he is not as pleased you. Just be nice to him, pray for him, and when he is rude, unkind or distant, just remind yourself that its him, not you.
(On discouragement)
There is no point in going on a mission unless you get severely discouraged a couple of times. Those times, where you are most discouraged, are the times that persuade you to fall on your knees in complete humility before Heavenly Father and find ultimate peace and joy through him... despite the difficulty of your situation. That is what missions are made of... the sweetest of joys and the bitterest of sorrows. The discouragement is what makes the joy sweeter when it comes.
I want you to know that I love you. And I do empathize. I am not really just saying "deal with it", or "sucker up". I know that it is extremely hard. And its not fun to be discouraged, or disliked, or to find people dropping from your investigator list like flies. But remember this is all part of this experience. Heavenly Father loves you so much, and he allows you to feel sorrow and pain and discouragement because there is no better way for us to grow. He is watching out for you. And of course, never forget that you are doing SO SO SO much for the people. At times you may feel that everything is crumbling around your ears, or that you are not doing much on your mission. That you are going through the motions, but accomplishing nothing.
THIS IS UNTRUE. It is Satan's most common lie for missionaries. Anytime you start feeling this way, kneel down, and ask Heavenly Father to remind you of your purpose and remind you of how much you are doing for this world. Goodness gracious, he will overwhelm you with love and understanding, and you will feel briefly, that all is right in the world.
Remember, I love you. God loves you. you are doing great and amazing things. You are making miracles.
Right now, you are someones angel - sent straight from heaven.
Monday, May 2, 2016
My very first blog post! How exciting.
People may ask, why now? What persuaded me to begin a blog at this point in my life? Truth is... I just lost my job. Job number 2. I am 21 years old and seemingly unable to keep my young life together. This is pretty frustrating. I watch many people of my own age whose lives seem to be perfect. They are going to school, getting degrees, getting married, having children, or just having fun! And here I am, often stuck at home, dealing with pain, sickness, and fatigue.
However, throughout it all, I have maintained strong faith in my Heavenly Father and trust that some good will come out of this. I created this blog as a place to put my many thoughts and feelings pertaining to my life, and the multiple blessings that my God bestows upon me.
As you read, please know that I am no great writer or rhetorician. I am merely a girl: a girl with passion in her heart and time on her hands. But I hope that something I say will touch you and help you feel how very close our Heavenly Father is, and how involved He is in our lives.
People may ask, why now? What persuaded me to begin a blog at this point in my life? Truth is... I just lost my job. Job number 2. I am 21 years old and seemingly unable to keep my young life together. This is pretty frustrating. I watch many people of my own age whose lives seem to be perfect. They are going to school, getting degrees, getting married, having children, or just having fun! And here I am, often stuck at home, dealing with pain, sickness, and fatigue.
However, throughout it all, I have maintained strong faith in my Heavenly Father and trust that some good will come out of this. I created this blog as a place to put my many thoughts and feelings pertaining to my life, and the multiple blessings that my God bestows upon me.
As you read, please know that I am no great writer or rhetorician. I am merely a girl: a girl with passion in her heart and time on her hands. But I hope that something I say will touch you and help you feel how very close our Heavenly Father is, and how involved He is in our lives.
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